“I have a dilapidated piece of mahogany veneer in dire need of renovation.”

The British film Personal Services directed by ex-Monty Python Terry Jones is based on the book An English Madam by Paul Bailey. The film begins with a disclaimer stating that it is not a true depiction of the life of the infamous British Madam, Cynthia Payne (Madam Cyn) and advises the viewer to read Bailey’s book for details of Payne’s life.

The protagonist of the film is named Christine Painter (Julie Walters)–an attractive, harried waitress in a London restaurant. Christine has a child in boarding school whose fees must be paid, and so she earns extra money by renting out rooms and subletting flats to prostitutes. Now, the idea is that the prostitutes will pay Christine rent, but Christine soon discovers that collecting rent is easier said than done, and before too long, Christine faces her landlord empty-handed. The landlord, however, is fully prepared to make an acceptable alternative arrangement, and Christina slides into prostitution.

The film details Christine’s foray into the world of prostitution where she offers a “personal service” to those older gentlemen who are in need of her unique talents. Christine begins by advertising in the local newsagents and working from a tiny flat. But the “future lies in kinky people,” and so Christine–learning on the job–begins including role-playing assignations, and moves on to sex parties, and the infamous Luncheon Voucher Programme–which entitled the bearer of the coupon to a meal and a girl.

This funny film glosses over the seamier side of prostitution and concentrates, instead, on Christine’s unique worldview, and the community of friends and customers she surrounds herself with. Christine’s friendships provide a great deal of amusement in this film–numerous transvestites, slaves, fellow prostitute, Shirley (Shirley Stelfox) the maid, Dolly (Danny Schiller) and the immortal ‘Morten’–(a retired RAF Squadron Leader played by Alex McGowan) who declares that he intends to “grow old disgracefully” and delights and entertains many of Christine’s partygoers with his comic attitude. Morten, by the way, boasts that during WWII he “flew 207 missions over occupied territory in bra and panties.”

The film has its serious undertones. Christine is initially portrayed as someone who longs for a husband and a home, and her flat sports a tattered poster of that faux-fairy-tale relationship–Charles and Di. It’s darkly amusing that these now-fallen icons of romance oversee the financial arrangements of the kinky assignments taking place in Christine’s flat. And this motif of royal romance is something Christine aspires to–even though part of her realizes that it’s just a fantasy. Christine actually has a very matter-of-fact, no-nonsense approach to sex, declaring “too many things can go wrong with sex. Too many bits and pieces.”

Several scenes illustrate the hypocrisy of British society, and this seems to be the thing Christine despises above all else. She never forgets the former vice copper who approaches her for sex, and she sees the illegality of prostitution as hypocrisy. She argues that her sex parties are “just a Tupperware party, really, but I sell sex instead of plastic containers.” And Christine’s circle of friends and customers share her view. Wing Commander Morten embodies the liberation of sexuality, and he argues: “Since my retirement I have devoted my life to transvestitism and the pursuit of sexual deviation. I am now a very happy man, having escaped an extremely overcrowded closet.”

Julie Walters excels in this sort of role–her personality shines, and she takes the role of Christine Painter and makes it her own. The book An English Madam by Paul Bailey is highly recommended for further reading. In this book, Cynthia Payne’s early, difficult life is explained, and many of the details fill in the blanks. Additionally, the film Wish You Were Here is the story of Cynthia Payne’s early life. It’s another marvelous film, and I recommend it without reservation.

Some great lines:

“The world is full of naughty schoolboys.”

“Snap it up now before senile dementia runs me down.”

“I intend to grow old disgracefully.”

“What’s the point of being old if you can’t be dirty?”

“Every naughty boy gets a spank on his bot-bot.”

“How could you bring a sexual pervert to your sister’s wedding?”

“Call it an indulgence, Madame, of an aging pillock in the autumn of his days.”

“My sister’s marrying a cop. Silly cow.”

“What’s sex ever done for me? Up the duff at 16.”

“Get your knickers into gear.”

“You’ve got a chip on your shoulder and a H-bomb in your pants.”

British pop idol Cliff Richard stars in an early film role in Expresso Bongo–the story of a naïve young, talented lad who’s discovered by an unscrupulous agent (Laurence Harvey). Set in Britain in the late 50s, much of the film gravitates around the beat cafés springing up on the London scene.

Talent agent Johnny Jackson (Laurence Harvey) lives off of the income of his patient, long-suffering stripper girlfriend, Maisie (Sylvia Sims) while he scours the dives, burlesque shows and cafes of London on the hunt for new talent. Jackson gets lucky one night when he hears the impromptu performance of young Herbert Rudge. While Herbert longs to play the bongos, his real talent is found in his Presleyesque crooning which drives the girls wild.

Jackson knows a good thing when he spots one, and so he decides to sign working class Herbert under exclusive contract at outrageous terms. Guileless and naïve Herbert doesn’t know any better, and soon he’s playing at gigs arranged by the pushy, exploitive Jackson.

With self-interest foremost on the agenda, Jackson tirelessly and unscrupulously promotes Herbert. There’s nothing he won’t sink to, and he eventually brings Herbert–now renamed Bongo Herbert–to the attention of Mayer (Meier Tzelniker) the head of Garrick records, and to a predatory, older American woman, “fabulous grafter” Dixie Collins (Yolande Dolan), who may or may not have Herbert’s best interests at heart.(”Much fancied film star stables unbroken street Arab.”)

Packed with lively witty dialogue Expresso Bongo really is a marvelous film, and it’s no wonder that Kino rereleased this crisp, clean print. On one level, the story, laced with humour and irony, explores the budding career of Herbert, but on another level, Herbert’s story is representative of any talent harnessed into show business. While it takes the slimy, streetwise Jackson to discover Herbert and promote him aggressively, it takes a bigger entity, possibly every bit as corrupt, to take Herbert to the next level of fame. Sub plots include Maisie’s tacky, talentless performances at a London burlesque show and her problematic relationship with Jackson. For fans of Cliff Richard and/or Laurence Harvey, Expresso Bongo is a lot of fun. On another note, some of the songs originally in the film are cut from this version. From director Val Guest.

“I could seduce your wife.”

The Leading Man is a tasty little drama set in London and centered on the marriage of playwright Felix Webb (Lambert Wilson). As the film begins, Webb is helping cast roles for his new play, and he’s secretly having a passionate affair with young talented actress Hilary Rule (Thandie Newton). Meanwhile, his neglected wife Elena (Anna Galiena) sniffs something’s afoot, and this results in increased tension at home while Felix juggles the demands of wife, mistress and new play.

Enter American actor Robin Grange (Jon Bon Jovi). He’s left Hollywood with the intention of working in theatre, but he still draws crowds of fans, autograph seekers, and potential groupies. His good looks, charisma and direct approach to women prove to be a deadly combination, and the women in the cast speculate over his talent as a bedmate. Hilary, however, isn’t interested in Robin. She’s too busy pressuring Felix to leave his wife.

Robin is a complex character. He appears to be just another pretty face, but it’s not long before he makes it clear to Felix that he knows about the affair with Hilary. Dropping hints here and there, Robin seems to be playing a strange game of cat-and-mouse. And then Robin proposes an unexpected solution. He suggests helping Felix by seducing Elena. Asserting that this is the best solution for everyone, Robin smoothly argues the case for seduction stating that a love affair will give Felix some needed space, restore Elena’s confidence and show her that Felix isn’t so necessary after all.

This bizarre turn of events is intriguing. After all, the role of cuckolded husband isn’t exactly enviable. Even adulterous husbands generally don’t want some other man sniffing around the old homestead. But while Felix is at first appalled by Robin’s suggestion, he concedes to the strategy.

The Leading Man reminds me of the domestic politics of a Woody Allen film, but without the comedy–although there are elements of dark humour. The film works so well largely due to the ambiguity of Robin’s motives. Is he malicious or ambitious? Is he truly interested in Elena, or is he out for what he can get? Ultimately this decision is wisely left up to the audience.

I read some criticisms of Jon Bon Jovi’s performance, and this seems unfair. He did an excellent job as the amoral, slippery Hollywood actor who possesses amazing powers of duplicity. This entertaining drama is from director John Duigan.

“Reform is a dangerous experiment.”

Disraeli: Portrait of a Romantic is a 1978 BBC miniseries recently released on DVD. This 2 DVD set runs at around 4 hours–with each disc containing 2 episodes. The film begins with a very young Disraeli (Ian McShane) casting around for exactly how to make an impression on the world. With a couple of novels already under his belt, he’s attracted to politics. As a Jew (baptized into the Anglican church at age 13), and as an overdressed dandy, Disraeli overcomes prejudice, and receives sound advice from many friends on his path to political success. The film charts Disraeli’s early forays into politics and the significant relationships in his life: Mary Anne Lewis (Mary Peach), Robert Peel (Antony Brown) Baron de Rothschild (David de Keyser), and Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (Brett Usher).

At first the conservative party views Disraeli as a radical, but Disraeli sees himself as a ‘progressive conservative.’ Disraeli fails multiple times when he attempts to run for parliament, but he persists and is assisted immeasurably when Wyndham Lewis, in effect, ‘purchases’ a seat in the House of Commons for Disraeli. The film outlines a corrupt and impenetrable system. In one instance, for example, a scene details just how many male voters there are in one town, and also emphasizes the fact that these voters will cast their votes where their employers demand.

The film highlights the most significant moments in Disraeli’s life–the turning points of the amazing, and lengthy career of a man who served twice as Prime Minister during some turbulent times in British history. We see the compromises Disraeli was willing to make to further his career and to further Imperialism, the lifelong friends, the bitter enemies, and the ever-troubling “Irish Question.” While Disraeli’s relationship with Queen Victoria (Rosemary Leach) is based on a mutual respect and admiration, Gladstone is seen as a bitter fanatic, whipping up war frenzy in order to create political unrest for Disraeli. The film includes one scene depicting Gladstone condemning Disraeli’s foreign policies, but the film only touches on the subject of the Great Game while glossing over Gladstone’s criticisms as personal vindictiveness and peevishness on his part. Well, this is Disraeli’s film, after all, and he’s a far more glamorous figure than Gladstone, I suppose. But I couldn’t help but wonder how Gladstone’s version of events would compare.

The film spends a fair amount of time explaining Disraeli’s metamorphosis from being seen as “a tinseled coxcomb,” and “a flashy upstart,” to settling into a sensible, yet loving marriage in which he grew into the consummate politician. My favourite scene pits Disraeli against the wily Baron von Bismarck (nice performance by Brewster Mason), but some of the accents from other players are dreadful. Directed by Claude Whatham, this satisfying and entertaining miniseries doesn’t shake any foundations, but it’s certainly a tasty, well-acted BBC miniseries for fans of British television.

“Oh I’m so thrilled to be in the shock troops again.”

An affectionate tale of bungling amateur thieves, Make Mine Mink is one of the great must-see British comedy classics. Set in Kensington, the action centers around a boarding house owned, with fading gentility, by Dame Beatrice (Athene Seyler). Her tenants are a motley lot: there’s the mannish Nanette Parry (Hattie Jacques), who makes her living coaching would-be debutantes on issues of etiquette, the frazzled, nervous Pinkie (Elspeth Duxbury), a spinster who mends chipped china, and Major Rayne (Terry-Thomas), a man whose glory days remain in WWII.

When the film begins, the tenants’ lives are fraught with petty arguments with one another. Forced to share amenities, their relationships are mired in dislike and irritation, but there’s an exception to this–all of the tenants worship their kindly landlady, the eccentric Dame Beatrice. Even the maid, Lily (Billie Whitelaw), a reformed thief adores her employer, and the household agrees that Dame Beatrice is a wonderful woman who devotes her life to charitable pursuits.

But Dame Beatrice’s charitable pursuits aren’t yielding much in the way of results, and she notes that whatever profit they make goes “down the throat of the organizing committee.” A chain of events leads the tenants, and Dame Beatrice to pursue a life of crime in order to fund Dame Beatrice’s favourite charities. And as in usual in the case of thieves who operate out of boredom and the need for excitement, this ad-hoc gang develops an alarming taste for a life of crime.

Operating with the campaign strategy of the Major, the newly formed gang conducts a rash of daring fur robberies. For the first time in years, the Major is in his element, feeling useful and productive, as he marshals the women into various robberies. With experience, they become more practiced, and they also become more creative, but a couple of close calls cause them to reconsider. Unfortunately, they are now addicted to the excitement and the thrill of their criminal lives. The Major used to bemoan the fact that he ended “holed up here with a lot of dotty women,” but now the women rely on him to direct operations with a military flare.

Directed by Robert Asher and based on a play by Peter Coke, this gentle comedy pokes fun at the foibles of human nature and the dangers of boredom. Keep your eyes open for Kenneth Williams as sneaky fence Freddie Warrington.

“Sergeant-major, you’re a sex maniac.”

Up The Front is a British comedy starring the late great and much loved British comedian Frankie Howerd. Howerd starred in a popular television series about ancient Rome, called Up Pompeii, and he played the leering, campy slave Lurcio. In some ways this character is simply transported to the WWI film Up The Front. Bob Kellett directed both the 1971 film Up Pompeii and Up the Front (and for that matter, he also directed Up The Chastity Belt, which also stars Frankie Howerd). In Up The Front, Howerd plays Lurk, a servant in a posh London home in 1914. Each episode of Up Pompeii started with Lurcio trying to deliver the Prologue, and in each episode, he would face the camera and begin with the word, Greetings. This is also exactly how Up The Front begins.

When war breaks out, a wave of patriotic fervor sweeps through London, but Lurk doesn’t take the bait. However, when Lurk hears that the Butler, Groping (Bill Fraser) and the housemaid, Fanny (Madeline Smith) are about to attend a enlistment rally, he goes along too–just to show that he doesn’t deserve the white feather callously handed to him by Fanny in a private moment.

Unfortunately for Lurk, he’s hypnotized, and operating under the idea that he “must save England,” he enlists. Lurk soon finds himself near the Front and his sergeant-major is none other than Groping, the former butler.

For the most part, Up The Front is a very silly comedy designed as a vehicle for Howerd, so Howerd fans (me) will enjoy the film if for no other reason than Howerd is in almost every scene. Howerd is his usual leering, sly, tongue waggling, and cheek sucking self. The comedy is largely bawdy double entendre with a little slapstick thrown in for good measure. There’s even some peeping through keyholes and one on-going joke has Lurk peeping through keyholes and interrupting Groping’s sexual escapades. The final third of the film is the strongest section, and the film suddenly seems to spring to life. Howerd, who sports the German Master Plan tattooed on his bottom, is in one great cross-dressing scene (what’s a British comedy without a cross-dressing scene), and there’s a superbly timed denouement involving the Buttercup Girls and a Can-Can routine. There’s also a great scene between Howerd and Mata Hari (Zsa Zsa Gabor), and what a mismatched couple they make.

Up The Front isn’t much of a WWI film. There’s no reference to the millions of died, so it’s a peculiar setting for a comedy, but it’s almost beside the point that The Great War is raging. Patriotism is portrayed as a sort of insanity–after all the patriotic Nigel Phipps-Fortescue (Jonathan Cecil) is a bit of a twit, and Lurk must be hypnotized before he’ll enlist. Unfortunately, the script doesn’t do a great deal for Howerd’s comedic talents. Keep an eye open for Dora Bryan in the role of dotty Cora Crumpington (Dora Bryan).

Up The Front was just released on DVD by WHAM, and this is a very good print. I had no problems with it whatsoever. I copied some lines down for all Howerd fans out there:

“Don’t worry Fanny, I foiled his fondling .”
“Let’s have a quick feel.”
“Sergeant-major, which means the sun shines up my arse.”
Mata Hari looking at herself in the mirror: “I even intoxicate myself.”
Mata Hari to Lurk: “To a Just Peace in our time.” Lurk replies: “To a juicy piece any time.”

“Tasks of a somewhat unusual nature.”

Laughter in Paradise, from director Mario Zampi is one of the great comedies from the Golden age of British film. Its premise is simple: well-known practical joker, Henry Russell dies, he leaves his fortune to four relatives. There are strings, however. Henry’s will stipulates that each of his heirs must meet certain conditions in order to inherit. These conditions are different for each heir and seem designed to test the character of Henry’s relatives.

There’s Agnes (Fay Compton), a bitter spinster who terrorizes the domestic staff in her employment. In order to inherit her 50,000 pounds, she must apply for a job as a domestic servant, and then stay employed for one month. Agnes “who made life a purgatory for anyone in her employ” is employed by a cantankerous Scot and promptly renamed Bertha.

Slimy playboy Simon (Guy Middleton) must marry the first woman he talks to. Mild-mannered bank clerk Herbert (George Cole) must rob his bank with a water pistol, and retired army officer/pulp novelist Deniston (Alastair Sim) must commit a crime and languish in jail for 30 days.

The conditions of Henry Russell’s will seem designed to torture and challenge his relatives while addressing their character flaws. Deniston, for example, writes his pulp novels under a variety of false names. For him, writing pulp novels is just a painful, undignified means to survival, and he intends to write the ‘great’ novel once he inherits his share of the fortune. A slave to respectability, it really goes against the grain for him to do anything illegal. Deniston’s position is further complicated by his 10-year-long engagement to Fluffy, otherwise known as Elizabeth Robson (Joyce Grenfell), a priggish officer in the British army. The fun of this gentle comedy comes from the predictability of human nature as the heirs juggle a desire to be rich with actions that are in direct opposition to character.

The wonderful Alastair Sim steals this great comedy classic film, and his scenes are priceless. In real life, Sim unofficially adopted George Cole, took him into his home and trained him to be an actor. Keep your eyes open for a very young Audrey Hepburn as a cigarette girl.

The evil that men do

The film, Gangster No. 1, another entry in the British gangster genre–introduces us to a top gangster (played by Malcolm McDowell). He’s wearing an expensive tuxedo, sipping champagne, and smoking one fat cigar after another while we hear Tony Bennett singing “The Good Life” in the background.

The gangster receives the bad news that his old boss, Frankie Mays  (David Thewlis) is about to be released from a long stint in prison. This news causes the gangster to reminisce about the beginnings of his association with Mays back in 1968.

Indeed, most of the film is the story of the gangster’s rather mis-spent youth serving as May’s henchman. The gangster as a young man is played by Paul Bettany–but with some narration by McDowell. The young gangster rises through the ranks of Freddie’s organization by the use of his explosive violence, cunning, and ruthless ambition.

This film is one of the better British gangster films out there. This is due partly to the marvellous character study of the pyschopathic young gangster who turns out to be the deadliest thug in the bunch. The young gangster and his boss, Freddie, have a strange relationship. Freddie underestimates the young gangster and fails to see that he is different–more intelligent–than the rest of the crew. The young gangster has very powerful feelings about Freddie. He idolizes him, envies him, hates him, but all that is stirred in with suppressed homosexuality. The young gangster wants to be Freddie and wants to have all that Freddie has. There is one exception to all of this–and that is Freddie’s girlfriend. The young gangster hates her violently. Indeed, it is the introduction of the love interest that pushes the troubled relationship between Freddie and the young gangster to breaking point.

This film was flawed by one thing–the ending!! After such a brilliant build-up, I somehow expected more. The ending was a disappointment. The film was quite violent. However, dare I say this….it was tastefully done.

Great to see Malcolm McDowell back in a role worthy of his talents. And watch out for Paul Bettany–he was incredible in this film. Directed by Paul McGuigan (he’s Scottish, but I filed the film under British).

Manchester music scene

The film 24 Hour Party People is presented in documentary style by narrator Steve Coogan who plays the real-life Tony Wilson–a television journalist. The film begins in the late 70s with Wilson lucky enough to attend an early Sex Pistols concert (with footage thrown in). Wilson’s assignments lack a certain seriousness, but he compensates by promoting the Punk Rock scene in Manchester. Wilson forms Factory Records “an experiment in human nature,” opens the Hacienda club in Manchester, and explains that the music scene “is like a helix”–as one trend ascends–another descends. And we see trends come and go.

The lively film, directed by Michael Winterbottom, charts the rise of Joy Division and the band’s metamorphosis into New Order, and the introduction of Rave music “when even the white man dances.” If you enjoyed the music of the 80s or have an interest in music history, you will enjoy this film. Coogan adds an amusing touch as the enterpreneur Tony Wilson. If you enjoy the film, seek out the book: 24 Hour Party People: What the Sleeve Notes Never Tell You by Tony Wilson. Tony Wilson died in 2007.

“Do you mean to say that the one piece of evidence that could corroborate your story is wrapped around a turd halfway to the North Sea? “

“I’ll have the evidence this time even if I have to search every sausage in the south of England.”

“And now you have the manpower of three police forces swooping on innocent families like the Mongol horde and making off with the contents of a liver sausage sandwich.”

“Why are you giving off such a negative aura? I’m sure it’s because your colon’s clenched. “

Wilt (AKA The Misadventures of Mr. Wilt) is a British film based on the comic novel by Tom Sharpe. Henry Wilt (Griff Rhys-Jones) is a lecturer at the local tech school, so he has the unpleasant job of teaching literature to technical students who would rather not learn about the tragic life of Jude the Obscure. Passed over for promotion several times, Wilt is one of those quiet types who keeps his frustrations under wraps. But he does allow himself the occasional mumble of discontent, and he also has fantasies about murdering his domineering wife, Eva (Alison Steadman). Eva has an uncanny knack for identifying and emphasizing her husband’s insecurities. For example, Eva has a friend, old school chum, Sally (Diana Quick) who’s now very wealthy. Eva constantly compares her modest circumstances to the glorious consumer orgy of Sally’s lifestyle, and naturally this grates on Henry as he’s secretly bothered about his humble career and his constant missed promotions.

One night, Wilt and Eva attend a party at Sally’s grandiose home, and Wilt finds himself attached (literally) to an obscene inflatable doll. This embarrassing incident leads to a chain of unfortunate events, and Wilt finds himself charged with the murder of his wife, her friend Sally, and Sally’s husband. In charge of the investigation is the bumbling Inspector Flint (Mel Smith), and he’s convinced that Wilt is a cold-blooded stone killer.

This comedy of errors plays out against campus politics, and some of Wilt’s fellow lecturers stand for him, and some stand against him as a media circus unfolds at the tech school. Laugh-out-loud funny in a couple of spots, the film was very, very amusing and engaging, and it was also fairly faithful to the book. The film adds on a couple of story threads that are absent in the book, and the film adaptation loses some of the sexist references in the novel. Overall, this was an enjoyable little comedy, and if you enjoyed the book, you’ll probably be pleased with the film. Directed by Michael Tuchner.